Irish drinking friends

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me...I've quit drinking!"

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Four friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

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Getting married

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is... always keep your condoms in your car!

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Two nuns

There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:  Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL:   It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM:  Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM:  It's not working.
SL:   Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM:  So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL:   The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:  Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL:   The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM:  Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL:   The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM:  And?
SL:   The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM:  Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM:  Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM:  Oh, no! What happened then?
SL:   Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

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Fancy dress

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her Husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little Proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before Unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the Costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he Would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so We went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm, to which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my Costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

THIS IS JUST WRONG, FUNNY BUT WRONG!!

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What is a b*stard?

Question: What is a b*stard exactly?

A picture is worth a thousand words.
In the photo, below, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad, deactivating a bomb.
The guy behind him, well, he's a b*stard.

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